It's 45 minutes past midnight and I just got back in my house from standing in the rain. Do you know how refreshing that it is? Feeling the water run across your skin and your hair as you're looking up at a starless sky is just a little more than amazing. Like, all you can think is I'm going to live.Which is a powerful thought when only a few days ago, you're trying to figure out how you're going to live.

Sometimes, when so many changes get thrown at you at once, you just don't know how to deal with them. Money, school, moving, love, work, family, friends; I mask these issues with a smile and the idea that if I just power through it, I can forget about it.

But just burying these things are doing nothing for me. I have spent the majority of the past days laying in bed and just crying, about different things. Like, the guy I used to work for who I trusted so much had told me something so disturbing, that I had to quite on spot and it was a job that I was relaying on to pay rent on my new apartment, so now I have to find new work.

I've been thinking about a chat I had with my dad a few nights ago, where he denied beating me and told me therapy was a joke. And the fact that he keeps bring over people who look at me in such away that I just want to grab my tazar to get ready.

I've been worried sick about my roommates, the fact that they're all guys and that my parents are going to be meeting them and I know they're going to yell at me and tell me to get another place, which I can't .

And the price for school itself? $5,000 for just the classes.

And everyone wants to see me and everyone is telling me what I need to do with them and everyone is telling me their shit and wanting me to fix it before I go and all I could do was lay in bed and cry and think, shit.

I felt like I can't really talk to anyone about what I feel either, like it too much for not just who I'm speaking too but for me as well.

I think I might have stayed in bed crying and breaking promise for a few more days if if wasn't for a friend of mine texting me about her ex. She wanted me to basically stock him for her since we have loads of friends in common. I told her that it's going to be hard to get over him because he was her first love but she had to do it because he's an a-hole. But all she keeps telling me is that she knows if she keeps working at it, it well work out.

I love her to death but I was already upset myself and I was just sick of what she was telling me. It reminded me of Tyler, my first and longest real relationship. Especially since his birthday was a week ago and this is the first time in years we didn't do anything, I didn't even send a card.I'm 120% over him and all that bullshit now, but there was a point in the last months of 'us' were all I was doing was hoping that things would change. I was lucky that he actually cared for me, but his lifestyle was no good for me.

It's the same thing for my friend, minus that fact that her ex didn't care for her at all. He hurt her mentally and was just mean. And I was fed up, like " Honestly? Really? I have so much I'm dealing with, with a new man in my life and leaving everything in Seattle behind and I take the time to give you advice from experience and you just don't listen? Like, why waste my time!"

In the process of throwing my phone in frustrating, I accidentally roll on the remote and change the channel from music to the Christian channel and a guy named Joel Osteen was on. What happened next was a pure act of God ( or for my atheist friends, a universal coincidence.) This televangelist was talking about friends who suck energy and life.

Everything he said just made sooooo much sense! Stop wasting time worrying about your friends thoughts and your family thoughts and just do what it is that you in you're heart know you have to do and be real and live.

For me, it was powerful, because I realized that a lot for my problems that were weighing me down on that bed came from me trying to please everyone and and not just doing what it was I knew I had to do and being happy with it. When the program was over, I just got out of bed. I didn't respond to the text that were asking for advice or telling me things that I really didn't care for. It was about 11:40 and I did some yoga for the first time in weeks and meditated and went outside for a walk.

And out of nowhere, it rained. Well I guess it wasn't out of nowhere, they said a system was going to move over, and I just forgot about it, but the timing was perfect.

I rain probably made me dirtier but it was cleansing. I felt the water trickle across my skin and honestly, I'm not literate enough to tell you how much of a spiritual and human moment it was. And I'm very literate.

It was just a real moment. I'm not saying that all my worries washed away--they were still there and I was aware of them. But I was also aware of myself on an intimate level and I just knew that everything was going to be okay.

I just had to come back and blog about it. My hair is still silky wet with rain lol. But I just wanted you all to know this. To find out whats real for you and acknowledge that and do what it is that you need to do to fulfill your life and not someone else.


So it has been a LONG while it feels like. Tell me how you're doing?

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